haiku 1



a skein of geese  -
warmth
on the hoe's handle


John McDonald



haiku 2



after loving
the roses
a deeper red


Roberta Beary



haiku 3



march winds  -
daffodils, lightening
darkening


John McDonald





selected comments


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This activity confirmed for me a continuing sense of difficulty about any judgement of quality in poetry. 
At the same time, the submissions also confirmed my belief that the best haiku are those which succeed in communicating a moment of vision based on precise observation.  Because the haiku tradition has its roots in observation of the natural world, it encourages a focus on nature. 
Looking at the submissions as a general body of work, I thought that the strongest work followed that tradition and practice.


1.

after loving
the roses
a deeper red


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it's lean, mean, completely unpadded & infinitely evocative -
cld b improved by replacing definite article with something more positive , eg: 'her' or  'his'
middle line might b better simply as 'rose petals'


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I gave 5 points to haiku # 1 because of its simplicity. I was immediately drawn in to the feeling.
Red roses are a Hallmark cliche but this haiku manages to bypass that.
The word deeper this this for me.


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3.


by the river
under a cypress grove -
hatched blackbird’s egg

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This says so much again: life, that ever moving river has appeared yet again, out of the darkness,
burst out of its confinement, gone, with no time to explain, just to be and to do.
Left the broken images of its passing.

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Although it looks first as a listing, each element slowly starts to "mark" the reader's mind.
It goes creshendo and finishes with a delicate nature creation: eggs.
The baby birds will have everything for a good life: river, trees protection...


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6.

tough day at work
a glance outside –
magnolia flowering



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I hesitated to give full marks.
The moment i quite clear. Maybe the "contrast" between the first 2 lines
and the last one is not as important as it could/should be.
Work could be avoided to just suggest the moment:

tough day ~
outside the office
magnolia flowering

(maybe)


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7.

In the carpark
I dive for a space missing
a hawk diving for a pigeon

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I quite like this haiku in the sense of the juxtapositioning of the two images.
However, ironically, it is in just that where it is weakest.
I think it’s a shame that the same verb (“dives”) was used for both actions, a missed opportunity.
For me it would be more effective if a different word was used, and perhaps “free space” would work better than “space missing” which is a little confusing.
I’m also not sure whether the writer actually saw a hawk diving for a pigeon, or if he is comparing the first action to the second, i.e. a metaphor.

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11.

first raindrop
landing on my cheek
-  curlew’s lament



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I'd have perhaps given this top marks if the poet had left out the word 'first' in line 1, making the haiku: 


  raindrop
  landing on my cheek (or even 'on my cheek')
  curlew's lament


would have been just about perfect. The echo of raindrop : teardrop given by the 'sad' sound of the curlew is lovely.
 In many parts (North America) curlews are migratory so for some this would work as a season word.

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12.

a skein of geese  -
warmth
on the hoe's handle


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childlike randomness appeals - many deeply evocative images come 2 mind ...
writer has not led us down corridors of mind or trains of thought,pretty hard 2 fault probably better without the  'a' ... or apostrophe s [ie: hoe handle]
try:
 
 
skein of geese
warmth
of the hoe handle
 
 
or
 
skein of geese -
the hoe's handle
still warm


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It's a lovely 'season' haiku, subtly put.
Image of geese migrating (nomads that mark the seasons' turn) contrasted with the hoe (denoting the stationary existence of the husbandman/woman tilling earth). The warmth on the hoe's handle is a striking tactile image that contrasts well with the visual image of the skein of geese.
And the sound of the geese is evoked, not stated.
You can see the scene, the poet looking up from his or her work to see the geese.
All in all a 'textbook' haiku. Full marks.

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I gave 5 points to No. 12 because of the directness of its observation in the haiku tradition of reverence for nature and the seasons. 
The writer/observer has succeeded in being present at a privileged moment without disturbing the animal and bird life through the slightest noise or intrusion.
 The reader is embraced by the silence of the blackbird and the rabbit's preoccupation with his fur.

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17.

march winds  -
daffodils, lightening
darkening

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This is a very effective haiku in my view, which presents the simple image of daffodils being blown by spring winds in just six words.
The reader can see the light changing on the flowers, even though light itself is not mentioned in the poem.
The writer is not trying to achieve too much in the haiku by cluttering it with too many images or sensations.

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20.
Orangemen ~ a procession of sheep overhead

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A good juxtaposition of a menacing image, 'Orangemen' and a peaceful image, 'procession of sheep'.
Also, 'overhead' sets the image in concrete terms and allows the reader to view the entire expanse of the two images, one above and one below, as one. 
A 'procession of sheep' made this reader think about the sheep-like behaviour of those who go along and do not challenge the status quo. 
A very fine haiku.


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21.

The orchard in May
fragile with its pink blossom
a threat of late frost


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A clear succint picture:the fragile beauty made all the more fragile and beautiful by the impending threat of annihilation  - will it be gone tomorrow (life's passing dream) and on to reams of philosophy.
All in a neat seventeen syllables.


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27.

dustbowl
another buf
           falo cloud
breaks up


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This haiku conveys the feeling of the dustbowl where nothing much happens and the breakup of another buffalo cloud is eventful. 
The split of the word buffalo gives the reader a good idea of the lethargic quality of the dustbowl, the stillness and the emptiness.
The use of the word, 'buffalo' conveys the dustbowl's sense of vastness.