haiku


Winner


mother and daughter
planting bulbs  -
the dark earth


by John McDonald



Second


a hollow tree
the beginning
of dusk


by Michael McClintock

           

Third


tall sunflowers
having grown old
walking among them



by Michael McClintock



Also rewarded


wedding photos
in the 2nd drawer
first wife
 


memorial park
the length
of the grass


both by Ernst J Berry



frigate bird
how easily it slips
into dusk


by Ernst J Berry



carrying the city's lights
into the darkness
night ferry

by Kim Richardson


 
First frost
a hidden blackberrry
still plump
 
 
By Mary White


 
a long letter . . .
honeysuckle in the window,
and the enormous sea
 
by Michael McClintock
 

 
at the top
of the prison tower
star blaze
 
by Roberta Beary


 
where three drowned
the lake water
sparkles in the morning
 
 
by Michael McClintock



 
old man coughing
newspaper open beside him –
death notices
 

by Maeve O'Sullivan




selected comments

HAIKU 13:  
a hollow tree
the beginning
of dusk

This is one of those haiku where I can't easily explain why it touches me, but it does, very much.
When I read it first, it caught my heart off-guard, and on re-reading it, it takes me deeper still.
Perhaps it's that it is a clear, simple image, sparely expressed, and that it has - in abundance - the qualities of 'wabi' and 'sabi'
(see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi).
It carries a sense of the transience of this world, of approaching mortality, of the *natural* ending of things.
A very fine haiku, firmly rooted (pardon the pun) in the tradition of Basho and Buson.


 
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HAIKU # 28:
mother and daughter
planting bulbs  -
the dark earth


I really like this haiku: it was the one that stayed in my mind most strongly after reading them through once or twice.
On the surface it's quite simple: a mother and daughter are planting bulbs together (so we know what time of year it is).
Line three, although it's not very unusual in the context, somehow still comes as a surprise .
 "The dark earth" conjures up a lot including - for me - the myth of Demeter and Persephone.
Well done!



This is a potent fertility scene, which succeeds in contrasting and blending the productive (mother/earth), the product (bulbs/ daughter).
It manages to impart a sense of the process of aging and the inherent impermanence of all (the return to the 'dark earth')
and thus evoke a hint of the sublime sense of passing that I associate with some of my favorite haiku.
Excellent, evocative lines.


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HAIKU 17:
wedding photos
in the 2nd drawer
first wife

Because its so true to life. Its very visual. Those three lines say so much. Was torn between haiku 25 and 35.
Again its very visual it also had sound for me, could hear the cough. Perfect as it is, hope it does well.

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HAIKU 29:
frigate bird
how easily it slips
into dusk

Evocative, evoking multi-images of land sea and sky in its eight words (12 syllables) splendid!

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Haiku 21:
memorial park
the length
of the grass

For me this ran a close second to #13.
I'd have given it 5 points too, but #13 is just a little more 'open', leaving more room for the vertical axis - the ripples of association
and context set off in the reader is one way of putting this - to manifest. 'memorial park'  closes that space a little.
Still, a good, strong image that evokes, as with #13, wabi-sabi and a sense of transience.

-------------------------------


HAIKU 18:
tall sunflowers
having grown old
walking among them


Perfect balance and connection between the 2 elements in line1 and line2 (Sunflower/human being) in their "relations" in line3.
Both meditative and contemplative. Has many qualities and nuances one would be entitled to expect from haiku.
I also loved #13

a hollow tree
the beginning
of dusk

for its precise description (objective) that leads to emotions and feeling (subjective).
A classic!




HAIKU 8:
at the top
of the prison tower
star blaze

The contrasting image of the confining prison and the freely shining starlight appealed to me here.
Also, the mystery of 'is it a star or a searchlight'? There's a hint of a reference to a modern nativity scene.
Does it suit being shorter though?

atop
the prison tower
star blaze 


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HAIKU 31: 
where three drowned
the lake water
sparkles in the morning

I almost gave this haiku a point, and think it has the potential to be a really strong haiku, but it hasn't quite got there yet.
The juxtapositioning of the lake water sparkling in the place where three people drowned is very powerful,
but could be even more so with a bit of line rearrangment, I think.
I also think that a simple season word might be a good addition.

To anchor the haiku in the moment, I think I'd prefer to use "this morning" to "in the morning" in line 3.
I'd also cut the "the" from line 2 as I feel it's unnecessary.
To give the reader more of a surprise at the end of the haiku, I suggest an almost-complete reverse of the three lines.
Finally, my rewrite is as follows:

spring* morning
lake water sparkles
where three drowned

* or summer or whatever season the haiku moment took place in

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HAIKU 18
tall sunflowers
having grown old
walking among them


It is unclear whether the poet grew old walking among sunflowers or is now old and is walking among sunflowers
or if the sunflowers are old. Use of a double gerund can be problematic in haiku. 
Here are three variations:

tall sunflowers --
I walk among them
older now

tall sunflowers --
I grow old walking
among them

tall sunflowers
grown older --
I walk among them


It is possible to write a haiku that retains some ambiguity for the reader:

we walk
among sunflowers
older now



------

3.
 
winter light
passing shadow
mum visits


23.
 
cigarette packet
cherry blossom on table
aftermath
 


I decided to review together #3 and #23 as, for me, they both have the same flaw/problem: listing effect.
Haiku are short but they need precise construction and structures.
I read too many times haiku that are just a kind of "list", i.e. 3lines line1+line2+line3 without any "grammatical/construction" link or connection.
Although you can soemtimes see the moment/haiku in this, the lack of structure makes it look a bit like a shopping list.
#3 and #23 seem to me to contain a moment, an event that could lead to a good haiku but there is not much "work" performed.
The author must be objective (this is the case) but also puts emotion in haiku and this is what is maybe lacking there.

haiku = objective description + emotion