kukai

kukai  #8 (november 2007)




Winner 

fallen leaf
caught up in a branch
all winter

Kim Richardson


Second Place 


trying to still my mind
this autumn gale

Kim Richardson



mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit

Ernst Berry



Third Place 




Early morning mist
blankets the peaceful river-
a heron rises

Hazel Newman



spring rain
we hurry inside
each other

Ernst Berry



childhood home
my overgrown
jungle gym

Ernst Berry



In an oak  grove
Scratchings on a rock--
An ancient refuge

Carmel Heaney



Near the pond
a gun that has killed a deer
is being cleaned

Gilles Fabre



Under a few stars
we decide to bivouac
on the border

Gilles Fabre




The following haiku have also received points:



old woman stooping
for a cherry blossom
on the city sidewalk

Marian Burke



grecian urn
she blows away
the centuries

Ernst Berry




heatwave
she licks the cone  
counterclockwise

Roberta Beary




car doors slam
goodbyes  drift
up the tree-house

Roberta Beary




temporarily
off-duty, the conductor
swaying to a jig

Maeve O'Sullivan



SOME COMMENTS/REVIEWS



fallen leaf
caught up in a branch
all winter


Simple, effective and uncontrived.


I gave top points to this one because of its suspense/creshendo.
Although it is a bit like a listing, the final line reveals the reason for the succession/description and works well.
Maybe not the best of the 39 for me but somehow got my vote.


At first reading this is a striking image. However it is marred by confusion/ambiguity.
I would suggest a change of tense and a more nuanced reference to winter e.g.:

The falling leaf
Catches in a branch.
Winter is coming



Early morning mist
blankets the peaceful river-
a heron rises

I gave five points to #12, because  I can actually see the Heron rising out of the mist, beautiful image.
I love its sheer simplicity.



spring rain
we hurry inside
each other

It is surprising and mysterious and economical.
Can be read several ways or just enjoyed for its ambiguity.



childhood home
my overgrown
jungle gym

I misread the first line  as "children" and liked the image i "thought" it brought.
Then when i read it properly i still liked it. I think it was the use of jungle gym that swung it for me.
Two lovely words together.



mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit


This senryu works on many levels.  There is a concise visual image.
There is the juxtaposition of a mental hospital having an exit door with a no entry sign, which could be seen as a "Catch-22" situation. 
Or it could be an image of a place in which all rules must be followed, down to the obvious ones. 
And finally, why would one want to surreptitiously, by way of the exit door, enter a mental hospital? The myriad interpretations are a plus. 
Well done.


This is a haiku that hits you between the eyes with its opening line and its dramatic context.
It's also a haiku that you need to think about, and leaves you thinking for a while.
Is the visitor now "trapped" as well as the inmates s/he's just been visiting? The haiku is funny in an ironic (but not disrespectful) manner,
 and also sad in a poignant sort of way. Yet the language remains simple and the imagery unambiguous, unlike its implications.
Well done!



I gave 5 points to Haiku #38 because of the directness and specificity of what it tells the reader. 
Its hyper-realism succeeds in suggesting that something strange is going on.


------------------------



to the sound
of summer rain on window
the chair rocks
 
Nicely tamed, apparently uncontrived, paints a pic without words "all - - - " detratcts from immediacy.
It'd be better without it.....tr 'winter chill' for last line.




trying to still my mind
this autumn gale

Would be better without "this".



mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit

I'm not even sure why I like this. I think it's the play on the words, no entry sign blocking the exit.
And the way patients are not allowed exit ( easily) once they're in hospital. 



azalea bloom
a hospital bed creaks
higher

I love the first two lines of this haiku: the contrast between nature in line one ("azalea blooming") and human nature ("a hospital bed creaks").
The haiku is poised to deliver a third and final line that will either tie lines 1 & 2 together, or give us another type of surprise or punchline of some description.
For me "higher" falls short of this expectation. Maybe I'm not getting it, but I don't understand line 3: is the bed being manouevred upwards, perhaps?
Is the bed higher than the plant, or vice versa? Either way, it doesn't work for me.
 I think what would work better for me would be some reference to the patient, or a nurse,
or even some other visual or noise relating to the hospital ward.
This might be more satisfying to a reader. I wouldn't touch lines 1 or 2 though, so it's nearly there!





Down from the far hills
A wide valley opens up
Garlanded with trees


I like haiku #37, the far hills, wide valleys, its full of the freshness of nature, I feel.
So why use the word garlanded? it makes it sound like a party, was that the authors intention, I wonder.
Prehaps the author could find a word more in keeping with the nature theme.



Near the pond
a gun that has killed a deer
is being cleaned
 
These 3 lines form a sentence:  "Near the pond, a gun that has killed a deer, is being cleaned." 
It is a "tell 'em" haiku, that tells the reader everything and leaves nothing to the reader's imagination.
Cleaning a gun is a series of actions that make it difficult to have an 'aha' moment. 
Here is a suggested revision which could illustrate a concrete image in the act of cleaning a hunting rifle:
 
pondside
a spatter of deer
rims the rifle




homepage    -    about haiku ireland    -    haiku    -    events    -    contact