─ kukai
─
Winner
fallen leaf
caught up in a branch
all winter
Kim Richardson
Second Place
trying to still my mind
this autumn gale
Kim Richardson
mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit
Ernst Berry
Third Place
Early morning mist
blankets the peaceful river-
a heron rises
Hazel Newman
spring rain
we hurry inside
each other
Ernst Berry
childhood home
my overgrown
jungle gym
Ernst Berry
In an oak grove
Scratchings on a rock--
An ancient refuge
Carmel Heaney
Near the pond
a gun that has killed a deer
is being cleaned
Gilles Fabre
Under a few stars
we decide to bivouac
on the border
Gilles Fabre
The following haiku have also received
points:
old woman stooping
for a cherry blossom
on the city sidewalk
Marian Burke
grecian urn
she blows away
the centuries
Ernst Berry
heatwave
she licks the cone
counterclockwise
Roberta Beary
car doors slam
goodbyes drift
up the tree-house
Roberta Beary
temporarily
off-duty, the conductor
swaying to a jig
Maeve O'Sullivan
SOME COMMENTS/REVIEWS
fallen leaf
caught up in a branch
all winter
Simple, effective and uncontrived.
I gave top points to this one because of its suspense/creshendo.
Although it is a bit like a listing, the final line reveals the reason
for the succession/description and works well.
Maybe not the best of the 39 for me but somehow got my vote.
At first reading this is a striking image. However it is marred by
confusion/ambiguity.
I would suggest a change of tense and a more nuanced reference to
winter e.g.:
The falling leaf
Catches in a branch.
Winter is coming
Early morning mist
blankets the peaceful river-
a heron rises
I gave five points to #12, because I can actually see the Heron
rising out of the mist, beautiful image.
I love its sheer simplicity.
spring rain
we hurry inside
each other
It is surprising and mysterious and economical.
Can be read several ways or just enjoyed for its ambiguity.
childhood home
my overgrown
jungle gym
I misread the first line as "children" and liked the image i
"thought" it brought.
Then when i read it properly i still liked it. I think it was the use
of jungle gym that swung it for me.
Two lovely words together.
mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit
This senryu works on many levels. There is a concise visual
image.
There is the juxtaposition of a mental hospital having an exit door
with a no entry sign, which could be seen as a "Catch-22"
situation.
Or it could be an image of a place in which all rules must be followed,
down to the obvious ones.
And finally, why would one want to surreptitiously, by way of the exit
door, enter a mental hospital? The myriad interpretations are a
plus.
Well done.
This is a haiku that hits you between the eyes with its opening line
and its dramatic context.
It's also a haiku that you need to think about, and leaves you thinking
for a while.
Is the visitor now "trapped" as well as the inmates s/he's just been
visiting? The haiku is funny in an ironic (but not disrespectful)
manner,
and also sad in a poignant sort of way. Yet the language remains
simple and the imagery unambiguous, unlike its implications.
Well done!
I gave 5 points to Haiku #38 because of the directness and specificity
of what it tells the reader.
Its hyper-realism succeeds in suggesting that something strange is
going on.
------------------------
to the sound
of summer rain on window
the chair rocks
Nicely tamed, apparently uncontrived, paints a pic without words "all -
- - " detratcts from immediacy.
It'd be better without it.....tr 'winter chill' for last line.
trying to still my mind
this autumn gale
Would be better without "this".
mental hospital
a no entry sign
blocks the exit
I'm not even sure why I like this. I think it's the play on the words,
no entry sign blocking the exit.
And the way patients are not allowed exit ( easily) once they're in
hospital.
azalea bloom
a hospital bed creaks
higher
I love the first two lines of this haiku: the contrast between nature
in line one ("azalea blooming") and human nature ("a hospital bed
creaks").
The haiku is poised to deliver a third and final line that will either
tie lines 1 & 2 together, or give us another type of surprise or
punchline of some description.
For me "higher" falls short of this expectation. Maybe I'm not getting
it, but I don't understand line 3: is the bed being manouevred upwards,
perhaps?
Is the bed higher than the plant, or vice versa? Either way, it doesn't
work for me.
I think what would work better for me would be some reference to
the patient, or a nurse,
or even some other visual or noise relating to the hospital ward.
This might be more satisfying to a reader. I wouldn't touch lines 1 or
2 though, so it's nearly there!
Down from the far hills
A wide valley opens up
Garlanded with trees
I like haiku #37, the far hills, wide valleys, its full of the
freshness of nature, I feel.
So why use the word garlanded? it makes it sound like a party, was that
the authors intention, I wonder.
Prehaps the author could find a word more in keeping with the nature
theme.
Near the pond
a gun that has killed a deer
is being cleaned
These 3 lines form a sentence: "Near the pond, a gun that has
killed a deer, is being cleaned."
It is a "tell 'em" haiku, that tells the reader everything and leaves
nothing to the reader's imagination.
Cleaning a gun is a series of actions that make it difficult to have an
'aha' moment.
Here is a suggested revision which could illustrate a concrete image in
the act of cleaning a hunting rifle:
pondside
a spatter of deer
rims the rifle